An Ode to Transportation

Inspired by my good friend, I decided to write my own little blurb about travelling. However, I didn't spend my time reaching up into the big blue. Instead, I spent a good 7 or 8 hours on roughly 560 miles of lovely Texas tarmac.

As spring break approached, I was already scheming in my head about how I was to get back to that little town we all like to call Plano. The route was already set; there's really only one direct way to drive back. I focused my attention on the planned time of departure. Would it be early in the morning? "I promise, there won't be anyone else on the road...it'll be smooth sailing". Would it be in the afternoon? "If we leave at precisely the right moment in time, we can avoid rush hour!" Or should I wait until the evening? "Oooh I can get blinded by people using their high beams just for the hell of it". After plenty of deliberation I decided that it would be best to leave on Saturday morning. I figured I would fool everyone. Hah! How stupid are they to leave in the midst of spring break insanity. I would be the victor for I had planned in advance.

Saturday morning came, and as always, my plan had already begun to be thwarted. Father Time reared its ugly head (I can only assume its ugly because he's obviously not a Swatch or anything) and said "Who the hell do you think you are?" No road trip ever begins on time; ours wouldn't. Inevitably, we would arrive at our destination later than I had planned. Oh my plans, my dear plans!

At least all passengers were accounted for which is, you know, a plus. Then came my favorite part: baggage organization. I enjoy the small game of Tetris I play under the tailgate. It's a small bit of pleasure before the grueling hours of nothingness that's to follow. But that's really enough of that, let's move on...

Ahh the highway. Some of the time it can be a brisk cruise from A to B, but lately (along with chemistry), being on the road is becoming the bane of my existence. We, as drivers, play different games on the highway. Sadly they are much more exhausting and displeasurable ones compared to Tetris. There is, of course, the game of zig zag where you slalom in and out of traffic, every move blocked by some idiot who seems to be strategically placed by God to stop your progress. Then there's the game against common sense where the fast lane moves slower than the slow lane. How can we forget the drafting game where the guy behind you figures driving one inch away from your rear bumper is really the safe way to go? Oh and don't you love it when you're driving along and you come up to a driver on her cell phone (obviously no one could POSSIBLY be on the road except her) and you need to pass her on the left (or even the right) and you're blocked in by some asshole on the left (or even the right) going the exact same speed as you but somehow heeds not the desperate predicament that you're in and continues on with his rubbish speed ecause God forbid he pay attention to THE BLOODY ROAD!

Did you know they do construction on the roads on Saturdays? Did you know that? I didn't. Remember my plan? Remember that? Bastard construction workers took my plan and shat on it. No consideration whatsoever for the the gears that I had laid out a week in advance, none at all! Not only did i have to slow down to the snail pace of 35 miles per hour (ironically on I-35), the two lane highway closed down to one lane. I read the sign (because I can read) and it said "Right Lane closed." Mind you, I'm already pissed because with every passing second my time schedule is being ripped to shreds. I merged into the left lane with the comfort that after this rough patch, things would open up and traffic would flow like Niagara Falls. Oh but guess what! It didn't happen! The next sign read "Left Lane closed." Now what the hell is this about? I can't possibly come up with answer to these turn of events other than maybe they were laid out by divine forces with the sole purpose of laughing at my "misfortune". If that's true, when I'm done with this world and I happen to float by the party responsible for this, I will certainly make my opinions heard with an elaborate song and dance that will have Cloud 9 changing the way it handles my next life.

Yes, I survived the games. Yes, I made it back to Plano. Yes, I wanted to drive 75 on Legacy. Yes, driving in traffic in a city environment is doubly worse. Yes, I aid my games in the city with a flip of my middle finger and constant swearing. No, I'm not going to keep writing about that. Yes, I'm almost done. AND NO WE'RE NOT THERE YET!

It really does amaze me that some people have gotten driver's licences. There are fifty states in this damn "union" and you would think at least one of them would have figured out that incompetent peoples clearly outnumber the intellegentsia in our culture. Passing the driving test should be harder than making a right turn on red and trying not to run over any children. This way we can weed some people out and I, with my one and a half ton killing machine, don't have to play these games and I don't have to write about it.