A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Underground...

...a small woman, as I walked by her, let out one of the largest burps I had ever heard.

The Light Above My Head....BAM

Yea, I got it. What you wonder? How to fix the situation in Iraq. Just hear me out:

First, we need to build a gigantic roof roughly the size and shape of Iraq. If we can put a roof over a baseball stadium (because, let's face it, we wouldn't want our extremely masculine and very in shape athletes to be playing in rain or, even worse, mud! It's America's past time for crying out loud. Show some respect) im sure we can put one over a country. The roof has got to be pretty strong because it's 1) Going to have to keep a lot of people out, and 2) it's going to need to "effectively contain" explosions (or explosive situations).

Once we have this roof, BAM SNAP CRACKLE POP, we get the hell out of Iraq. I'm talking about pulling everything and everyone out. Remember how we like to leave helpful supplies after we blow things up (we may need to blow them up again), yea, we need to get those out too. And all the Iraqis aren't going to know what happened. Right when they're puzzled, we fly that roof over, and drop it down. Hah! Now they're fucked. Our message to them will no longer be "We Want Your Freedom" or "Your Country is More Like Israel Than It Has Ever Been And That's Good Because Other Than Your Life Being in Danger Ever Passing Second They Are Also Democratic (Sort Of)", but instead "YOU FIGURE IT OUT!"

They'll figure it out, too. How do I know? It worked with America! See, the crazy bastards that suggested that the British fight the British were actually drunk. But, as it always is with alcohol, one thing led to another, and eventually all of the colonies were eventually impregnated by this "freedom" concept. The people in Massachussetts were so affected they were led to ask: "Freedom? Are we talking about the mythological idea we used to bullshit ourselves away from Britain? Religious Freedom and all that bollocks? Well we just didn't feel like being persecuted was nice. So damn right we will exercise our religious FREEDOM by stoning and burning witches. We've just been persecuted so long, we needed to get our anger out. And really since persecution is all we know...nature vs. nurture.." Okay I'm getting away from myself here.

Anyways, we issued the "GET UP OFF ME" to the redcoats, fought them, somehow won, and then had nowhere to go. To the right we had a large pond, with the people we didn't like because they were too snooty, their jokes were daft, and they had that god-awful accent, on the other side. The the upside we had the French. Yea, okay, they helped us throw off the crushing yoke of British colonialism, but how could you ever justify trusting the French? No, there's no way. To our left were the Native Americans. Not only are they hella pissed because some white guy showed up one day and took their land while they were watching, they are damn near surgical with the tomahawk and bow and arrow. And if we looked downwards we'd see the CRAZY Spanish. They are the one's trying to convert everything that stands in their way. And if you will not be converted, well then they're just going to hack you up.

So obviously there was pretty no wiggle room. No escape. The crazy guy who suggested the whole "revolution" didn't actually think we would win so he didn't prepare a just-in-case plan. The white guys surrounded by shadies, crazies, and nativies had to come up with a plan. So after (probably, i'm just assuming here) getting pretty damn drunk, they eventually found their way to a building in Philadelphia and wrote the greatest document known to man. Okay, the Articles of Confederation didn't work out. Luckily, from that failure came the GREATEST DOCUMENT KNOWN TO MAN pt. II. If you don't know that I'm talking about the Constitution by now...go make popcorn! If you just look at our society today, you would notice that the spirit of that document is still alive! So if it worked in America, there is absolutely no way it could not work in anywhere else. None. Zip.

Only when we've cleared out of Iraq, dropped the roof, and stopped all forms of aid into the country, will these people get their act together. First, they're going to see that they have nowhere to go. To that they'll say "Shit!" but in Arabic (or maybe English. I hear it's spreading). Secondly, they'll see that there are no more Americans to kill. Now all they'll be doing is killing themselves . Eventually even that is going to get old because the Iraqis are going to need to reproduce in order to produce offspring thats genetically immune to the disease (the one we were secretly concocting in that vial over there) we are going to slyly "forget" in there before we leave.

It'll occur to the Iraqis that it can't go on like this, and that they must talk. So they'll look for a building to convene in. Oh shit, yea, they blew them all up. Okay, we blew some up too...but they were asking for it! Anyways, someone is going to need to raise a building. Hey! that's jobs! But as soon as they have the building, they have to bring everyone in. Oh, shit, yea, all the cars are either blown up, or were used to ferry people to be blown up. Hey! More jobs! People need to be ferried around somehow! Before you know it, they have a bustling economy. They've got the building, theyve got the people, but they have to read and write! Oh, shit, yea, they forgot to teach people how to read because reading is really just for the heathens. Damn white pigs! Someone needs to make pens, create papyrus or whatever, and teach people to read and write. Finally when all the pieces are in place, these people are going to sit in a room and starting drafting a document that will outline their government.

It is of no doubt to me that their government will be a representative democracy with foundations in capitalist, market economies. How am I so sure? Why, this is the only accepted form of government in the entire world! Everything else is rubbish; they are the products of heathens!

When Iraq finally emerges from this protective cocoon, I think the world will be a better place. Of course, I forgot to mention, regardless of the disease, they really could go on killing each other. Let's not dwell on that.

Taxation Without Representation

my first (and probably only) comic.

Rockin' the Suburbs...(soon)

I think its about time for a farewell post from london. my time here has finally come to an end and i will be returning to lovely american soil soon. well obviously not all parts of the soil are lovely; there are plenty of toxi-chemical substances that were conveniently relocated beneath your neighborhood. i really meant it as a sort of figure of speech. i'm sure you understood. here are some parting shots:
The City. Rocking the financial world since...whenever. Notice the weather? It's all too common some weeks. But it's alright. im not made of sugar. i can deal with it without melting.






The London Eye. Large ferris wheel rockin' the sky since 2000. And, of course, the River Thames doing it's thing since Pangea.







And a little piece of awesomeness right here in London. I think you'd be surprised to see how similar the Texas flag is to the Chilean flag.






Okay, that's enough of that. Let's move on.

You know when you're in the shower and you're cought up in some deep thought? By deep thought I mean something about metaphysics, the origin of the universe, or where you should order your pizza. Well, let's say you're making some real headway here. You're opening up doors of your imagination that you had no idea existed. Here you are entering the realm of the world's elite thinkers. But you can't tell anyone. So you snap out of your introspective state. Boom. Do you remember how many times you have shampooed your hair? I never do. I hate that.

a PSA maybe?

okay, listen, we have to talk. its not that i mind walking the crowded streets of london, or more specifically, today's little expedition to Harrod's...well, no. I do mind. i mind a lot. walking is great, dont get me wrong, i enjoy walking as much as the next guy. and usually, the next guy happens to be walking with me (more likely slower because i like to take a faster approach to my gait so i can really look like im a go-getter, you know, really make myself feel like im going somewhere). i figure an apple, eight glasses of water, and a nice walk every day should do well to keep me vibrant well into my 90s. all of you carb and calorie counters, i invite you to come watch me flourish under the red-meat diet. i promise it'll be a sight to see. but i digress.

WATCH WHERE YOU ARE GOING! what the hell is wrong with you? looking down at the ground while youre walking isnt going to do you any good. while youre driving your car do you look down at the floor mats? no! you dont! i promise you theres nothing on the sidewalk you really want to see. to your left is probably a homeless man. to the right is probably where he goes to relieve himself. a little farther down will be vomit. and in between the countless bird droppings im sure you could find the left-overs of a Big Mac (you better jump on that before the homeless guy gets a whiff). and obviously theres the ubiquitous cigarette butt, most recently from you, ending your little reverie about how much of a failure your life turned out to be.

and who the hell walks backwards? if you were meant to walk backwards, you would have eyes on both sides of your head. do you? yea thats what i thought. so stop that.

i think a new law should be introduced. anyone who is not actively watching where they are going and, at the same time, plotting a path of least resistance with his/her peers, they will be hit on the head with a blunt object by a law enforcement officer. if there is no officer around, citizens should be given vigilante status and be allowed to take matters into their own hands. this may seem to be a bit too draconian for you, but it will all work out in the long run. imagine youre going to work and today's the big day. no, youre not giving a big presentation. no, youre not getting a promotion. youre not even getting a severance package. today, my friend, youre going to put the moves on your secretary. now you want to keep your shirt clean to be extra presentable. knowing that knocking into someone because you werent paying attention to where you were headed could result in a bludgeoning, youre sure as hell going to avoid everyone. and if this process is repeated among everyone, there will be smooth flows of pedestrian traffic. now youre coming into work on time and looking sharp. youve been 10 minutes more productive and its showing! you just got invited to the company retreat at Six Flags. you should celebrate.

look at what my idea did to that one guy. imagine what it could do for you. buy in. just stay out of my way.

Well I Had To Do It...

How many have you seen? If it's over 70, you're a cinema WHORE.
Copy and repaste if you want.

(1) Pirates of the Caribbean
(2) Boondock Saints
(3) The Mexican
(4) Fight Club
(5) Starsky and Hutch
(6) Neverending Story
(7) Blazing Saddles
(8) Airplane
() The Princess Bride
() Young Frankenstien
(9) AnchorMan
(10) Napoleon Dynamite
() Saw
() White Noise
() White Oleander
(11) Anger Management
() 50 First Dates
() Jason X
(12) Scream
(13) Scream 2
(14) Scream 3
(15) Scary Movie
(16) Scary Movie 2
() Scary Movie 3
(17) American Pie
(18) American Pie 2
(19) American Wedding
(20) Harry Potter
() Harry Potter 2
() Harry Potter 3
(21) Resident Evil I
() Resident Evil 2
(22) The Wedding Singer
() The Wedding Planner
() Little Black Book
() The Village
(23) Donnie Darko
() Lilo & Stitch
(24) Finding Nemo
() Finding Neverland
() 13 Ghosts
(25) Signs
(26) The Grinch
(27) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
() Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2
() White Chicks
() Butterfly Effect
() Thirteen going on 30
() I Robot
(28) Dodgeball
() Universal Soldier
() A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(29) Along Came A Spider
(30) Deep Impact
(31) KingPin
(32) Never Been Kissed
(33) Meet The Parents
() Meet the Fockers....
() Eight Crazy Nights
() A Cinderella Story
(34) The Terminal
() The Lizzie McGuire Movie
() Passport to Paris
(35) Dumb & Dumber
() Dumb & Dumberer
(36) Final Destination
() Final Destination 2
() Halloween
(37) The Ring
() The Ring 2
() Harold & Kumar (white castle)
() Practical Magic
(38) Chicago
() Ghost Ship
(39) From Hell
() Hellboy
(40) Secret Window
() I Am Sam
(41) The Whole Nine Yards
() The Whole Ten Yards
() The Day After Tomorrow
() Child's Play
() Bride of Chucky
(42) Ten Things I Hate About You
() Just Married
() Gothika
() Nightmare on Elm Street
(43)Sixteen Candles
(44) Bad Boys
(45) Bad Boys 2
() Joy Ride
(46) Seven (SE7EN)
(47) Oceans Eleven
(48) Oceans Twelve
(49) Identity
() Lone Star State of Mind
(50) Bedazzled
(51) Predator I
(52) Predator II
(53) Independence Day
() Cujo
() A Bronx Tale
() Darkness Falls
() Christine
(54) ET
() Children of the Corn
() My Boss' Daughter
() Maid in Manhattan
() Frailty
() Best Bet
() How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(55) She's All That
() Calendar Girls
(56) Sideways
(57) Mars Attacks
(58) Event Horizon
() Ever After
(59) Forrest Gump
(60) Big Trouble in Little China
(61) X-men 1
(62) X-men 2
() Jeepers Creepers....
() Jeepers Creepers 2
(63) Catch Me If You Can
(64) The Others
() Freaky Friday
() Reign of Fire
(65) Cruel Intentions
() Cruel Intentions 2
() The Hot Chick
(66) Swimfan
() Miracle
(67) Old School
() Ray
() The Notebook
(68) K-Pax
(69) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
(70) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
(71) Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
() A Walk to Remember
() Boogeyman
() Hitch
() Back Door Sluts 9(just kidding)
(72) The Fifth Element
(73) Star Wars episode I The Phantom Menace
(74) Star Wars episode II Attack of The Clones
(75) Star Wars episode III Revenge of The Sith
(76) Star Wars episode IV A New Hope
(77) Star Wars episode V The Empire Strikes Back
(78) Star Wars episode VI Return of The Jedi...
() Troop Beverly Hills
() Swimming with Sharks
(79) Air Force One 'Get off my plane!"
(80) For Richer or Poorer
() Trainspotting
() People under the stairs
() Blue Velvet
() Sound of music
(81) Parent Trap (old or new)
() The Burbs
(82) The Terminator
(83) Empire Records
() SLC Punk
(84) Meet Joe Black
() Wild girls
(85) A Clockwork Orange
() The Order
(86) Spiderman
(87) Spiderman 2
() Amelie
() Mean Girls
(88) Shrek
(89) Shrek 2
(90) The Incredibles
() Collateral
(91) The Fast & The Furious
(92) 2 Fast 2 Furious
() Sky Captain & The World of Tomorrow
() Closer
(93) Titanic
() Saved
(94) Bowling For Columbine
() Farenheit 9/11
(95) The Sixth Sense
(96) Artificial Intelligence (AI)
(97) Love actually
() Shutter
() Ella Enchanted
(98) Princess diaries 1
() Princess diaries 2
() Constantine
() Million Dollar Baby
() Envy
() Eurotrip
() Malibu's Most wanted
(99) Big Daddy
(100) Black Sheep
() The Breakfast Club
() West Side Story
(101) A Christmas Story
() Spanglish
(102) Pulp Fiction
() Sleepover
() The Evil Dead
() Killer Klowns From Outer Space
() The Seed of Chucky
() Vanilla Sky
(103) Nightmare Before Christmas
() Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
(104) Interview With The Vampire
(105) The Crow
() Purple Rain
(106) Reservoir Dogs
(107) Wayne's World
(108) Wayne's World 2
() 21 Grams
() Blow
(109) Edward Scissorhands
(110) Clerks
() Beauty And The Beast
() Guess Who
() Monster In-law
() ELF
(111) Stuart Little
() Stuart Little 2
() Mall Rats
(112) Chasing Amy
() Chasing Liberty
(113) Dogma
(114) Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
(115) Beetlejuice
() Last Samurai
() The Amityville Horror
() The Aviator
(116) Romeo and Juliet
() Beauty Shop
() Legally Blonde
() Legally Blonde 2
() The Forgotten
() Confessions Of A Teenage Drama Queen
() The Grudge
() Wimbledon
(117) Bring It On
() Bring It On Again
() Flight of the Phoenix
() Johnsons Family Vaction
(118) Vegas Vacation
() Thirteen
(119) 2001: A Space Oddessy
() Dr. Strangelove How I Came to Love the Bomb
(120) indiana jones and the temple of doom
(121) indiana jones and the raiders of the lost ark
(122) indiana jones and the last crusade
(123) animal house
(124) happy gilmore
(125) once upon at time in mexico

and personally...i would add

(126) Billy Madison
(127) Waterboy
(128) Gangs of New York
(129, 130) Rush Hour 1 &2
(131) Caddyshack

and much the same

The Madness of Abbe Faria

okay seriously, im doing this for my own sake so i can at least try to keep everything clear in my head. The are:

Baron Danglars (banker) and Baroness Danglars (gambler), and their daughter Mademoisselle Eugenie Danglars who is to be married to Albert de Morcerf.

Monsieur de Villefort (crown prosecutor) and Madame de Villefort, and their son Edouard de Villefort, and Monsieur de Villefort's daughter by an earlier marriage, Mademoisselle Valentine de Noirtier (who is slated to marry Monsieur Franz de Quesnel, Baron d'Epinay). Also, Monsieur de Villefort's invalid father (who used to be a Bonapartist), Monsieur Noirtier.

Count de Morcerf (former military man turned statesman) and Countess de Morcerf, and their son Albert de Morcerf who, like ive said, is to marry Mademoisselle Eugenie Danglars.

Monsieur and Madame Morrel, their daughter Julie Morrel, and their son Maximillien Morrel (who happens to be hopelessly in love with Mademoisselle Valentine)

And of course our famous Count of Monte Cristo who is also Abbe Busoni, Lord Wilmore, Sinbad the Sailor, and (most importantly) Edmond Dantes. And with him we'll note his good friend and tutor, Abbe Faria.

As a supporting cast we have:

The Marquis de Saint Meran and his wife; Monsieur Lucien Debray (lover of Madame Danglars); Monsieur Franz d'Epinay (connosieur of Europe and wealthy young man); Countess G-- (dont ask me why she's referred to like that); Haydee (Monte Cristo's Greek 'lady friend'); Bertuccio (Monte Cristo's dedicated servant); Ali (Monte Cristo's mute slave); Caderousse, his wife La Caraconte; Joannes (the jeweler who visits the greedy couple); Emmanuel (Julie Morrel's honest husband); Cocles (the Morrels' steadfast accountant); Penelon (former sailor of the Phaeron); Luigi Vampa (the bandit), and his wife/lifelong friend Teresa; Benedetto (a long lost son to two families); and two Cavalcantis who are not really Cavalcantis.

And there are people whose names i dont remember: Monsieur Noirtier's servant, Bertuccio's wife, the telegraphist, the actors mentioned at the opera, the man who runs the hotel in Rome, the two men who were supposed to be put to death, and who knows who else.

The story that weaves all of these people together among tales of religion, ideology, toxicology, betrayal, secrecy, drug use, and (most importantly) love, is quite a read. And im only 750 pages in. oh and remember, i did this for my own benefit.