The Light Above My Head....BAM
Yea, I got it. What you wonder? How to fix the situation in Iraq. Just hear me out:
First, we need to build a gigantic roof roughly the size and shape of Iraq. If we can put a roof over a baseball stadium (because, let's face it, we wouldn't want our extremely masculine and very in shape athletes to be playing in rain or, even worse, mud! It's America's past time for crying out loud. Show some respect) im sure we can put one over a country. The roof has got to be pretty strong because it's 1) Going to have to keep a lot of people out, and 2) it's going to need to "effectively contain" explosions (or explosive situations).
Once we have this roof, BAM SNAP CRACKLE POP, we get the hell out of Iraq. I'm talking about pulling everything and everyone out. Remember how we like to leave helpful supplies after we blow things up (we may need to blow them up again), yea, we need to get those out too. And all the Iraqis aren't going to know what happened. Right when they're puzzled, we fly that roof over, and drop it down. Hah! Now they're fucked. Our message to them will no longer be "We Want Your Freedom" or "Your Country is More Like Israel Than It Has Ever Been And That's Good Because Other Than Your Life Being in Danger Ever Passing Second They Are Also Democratic (Sort Of)", but instead "YOU FIGURE IT OUT!"
They'll figure it out, too. How do I know? It worked with America! See, the crazy bastards that suggested that the British fight the British were actually drunk. But, as it always is with alcohol, one thing led to another, and eventually all of the colonies were eventually impregnated by this "freedom" concept. The people in Massachussetts were so affected they were led to ask: "Freedom? Are we talking about the mythological idea we used to bullshit ourselves away from Britain? Religious Freedom and all that bollocks? Well we just didn't feel like being persecuted was nice. So damn right we will exercise our religious FREEDOM by stoning and burning witches. We've just been persecuted so long, we needed to get our anger out. And really since persecution is all we know...nature vs. nurture.." Okay I'm getting away from myself here.
Anyways, we issued the "GET UP OFF ME" to the redcoats, fought them, somehow won, and then had nowhere to go. To the right we had a large pond, with the people we didn't like because they were too snooty, their jokes were daft, and they had that god-awful accent, on the other side. The the upside we had the French. Yea, okay, they helped us throw off the crushing yoke of British colonialism, but how could you ever justify trusting the French? No, there's no way. To our left were the Native Americans. Not only are they hella pissed because some white guy showed up one day and took their land while they were watching, they are damn near surgical with the tomahawk and bow and arrow. And if we looked downwards we'd see the CRAZY Spanish. They are the one's trying to convert everything that stands in their way. And if you will not be converted, well then they're just going to hack you up.
So obviously there was pretty no wiggle room. No escape. The crazy guy who suggested the whole "revolution" didn't actually think we would win so he didn't prepare a just-in-case plan. The white guys surrounded by shadies, crazies, and nativies had to come up with a plan. So after (probably, i'm just assuming here) getting pretty damn drunk, they eventually found their way to a building in Philadelphia and wrote the greatest document known to man. Okay, the Articles of Confederation didn't work out. Luckily, from that failure came the GREATEST DOCUMENT KNOWN TO MAN pt. II. If you don't know that I'm talking about the Constitution by now...go make popcorn! If you just look at our society today, you would notice that the spirit of that document is still alive! So if it worked in America, there is absolutely no way it could not work in anywhere else. None. Zip.
Only when we've cleared out of Iraq, dropped the roof, and stopped all forms of aid into the country, will these people get their act together. First, they're going to see that they have nowhere to go. To that they'll say "Shit!" but in Arabic (or maybe English. I hear it's spreading). Secondly, they'll see that there are no more Americans to kill. Now all they'll be doing is killing themselves . Eventually even that is going to get old because the Iraqis are going to need to reproduce in order to produce offspring thats genetically immune to the disease (the one we were secretly concocting in that vial over there) we are going to slyly "forget" in there before we leave.
It'll occur to the Iraqis that it can't go on like this, and that they must talk. So they'll look for a building to convene in. Oh shit, yea, they blew them all up. Okay, we blew some up too...but they were asking for it! Anyways, someone is going to need to raise a building. Hey! that's jobs! But as soon as they have the building, they have to bring everyone in. Oh, shit, yea, all the cars are either blown up, or were used to ferry people to be blown up. Hey! More jobs! People need to be ferried around somehow! Before you know it, they have a bustling economy. They've got the building, theyve got the people, but they have to read and write! Oh, shit, yea, they forgot to teach people how to read because reading is really just for the heathens. Damn white pigs! Someone needs to make pens, create papyrus or whatever, and teach people to read and write. Finally when all the pieces are in place, these people are going to sit in a room and starting drafting a document that will outline their government.
It is of no doubt to me that their government will be a representative democracy with foundations in capitalist, market economies. How am I so sure? Why, this is the only accepted form of government in the entire world! Everything else is rubbish; they are the products of heathens!
When Iraq finally emerges from this protective cocoon, I think the world will be a better place. Of course, I forgot to mention, regardless of the disease, they really could go on killing each other. Let's not dwell on that.
posted by Publius @ 8:18 AM
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